Talking About My Mental Health

I've been wanting to write about mental health for a while—not only because it's something I'm dealing with personally right now, but also because I think it's important for us to talk about it more as a community.

I've struggled with my mental health for most of my life. Part of it is probably genetic. Seasonal depression runs in my family, and I've always suspected that plays a role. But the bigger part, at least for me, comes from my conservative upbringing and the conflict between that and my sexual orientation.

Through therapy, I've realized I still carry a lot of anger and resentment from my childhood and my family. Those feelings get tangled together in my head, and eventually they manifest as depression.

April 2025 I was heading to Vegas for my first trans content house. I got a phone call from my mom and she told me a cousin I deeply cared about died suddenly from a heart attack. Her death brought a lot of those emotions to the surface, and I found myself slipping into one of the deepest depressive episodes I've experienced. The longer it lasted, the more disconnected I became from the world around me—a connection I didn't realize I needed as much as I did.

Since her death, I've managed to do two trans content houses and one gay content house. I think I was able to fake "normal" well enough because, in those moments, I can temporarily escape my feelings and just live in the present. It also helps that most people don't know me well enough to notice when something is off.

I want to take a moment to tell you a little about my cousin.

We hadn't been especially close in recent years because her husband is someone I never got along with. But my love and appreciation for her, going all the way back to when we were kids, never disappeared. She was the one person in my family who truly appreciated and encouraged my creativity. She didn't know I filmed porn, but she did know I loved photography, and I know she would have been happy to see me making a living doing something creative that I genuinely love.

I had an incredible time at the TEAs in March. I met so many amazing people, and for the first time in a long time, I truly felt like I belonged in this community.

The hard part came afterward.

Once everything was over, I was left alone with the sadness that has become so familiar to me. I'm incredibly fortunate to have a wife who loves and supports me. She often recognizes when I'm struggling before I do. But she also knows there's only so much she can do until I acknowledge it myself.

That sadness eventually led me into some very dark places and some very dark thoughts. That's when I finally accepted that I needed more help.

Before I reached that point, though, I made some mistakes.

I let down a few models I was supposed to work with by canceling at the last minute. I'm not going to name anyone because I don't have their permission to share those experiences, but I know I handled those situations poorly, and I regret it.

With encouragement from my wife—and because I finally admitted to myself that I needed help—I started looking for a therapist.

I grew up in a home where therapy was looked down on. Mental health wasn't really acknowledged. ADD and ADHD weren't considered real, and neither was any of the "queer stuff."

I actually tried therapy back in 2021, but it just wasn't a good fit. Whether it was the therapist, where I was mentally at the time, or a little of both, I walked away thinking therapy just wasn't for me.

This time has been completely different.

I found an incredible therapist, and in the month and a half we've been working together, I already feel like I'm in a healthier place. I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but for the first time in a while, it feels like I'm finally moving in the right direction.

One thing I didn't fully realize until therapy was just how much anger and resentment I still carry toward my parents and my family. The fact that we're on completely different ends of the political spectrum certainly doesn't make any of that easier.

I'm not writing this to make excuses for my cancellations or for being slow to get content back to people.

I'm writing this because I wanted to be honest about where I've been and where I'm trying to go.

And if you're someone who's struggling with your own mental health, I want you to know you're not alone. I'm not a therapist, and I don't have all the answers, but I'm always willing to listen.

Depression absolutely sucks.

I know it's something I'll probably deal with for the rest of my life, but I'm finally learning healthier tools to help me through the difficult days. That's progress, and right now, that's enough.

If sharing this helps even one person realize they're not the only one struggling, then it's worth being vulnerable.

Mental health can be incredibly isolating, and for a long time I convinced myself I just had to deal with it on my own. I'm learning that's not true. Asking for help wasn't a sign of weakness—it was something I should have done much sooner.

Thank you to everyone who's continued to support me, work with me, and be patient with me. It means more than you probably realize. I'm excited to keep creating, keep growing, and hopefully become a healthier version of myself along the way.